Adam’s Garden

i know it is trite to end trials with pleads that deny all the evidence that was submitted prior.  but in this case, it is certainly justified.  i cannot begin to explain to the world how much or how little i feel gratitude or pain for what i have done.

to be brief, i have accomplished a lot already. my life is full and extreme.  i am not a man of constant sorrow but i can be sad.  i can also be happy or nervous or tired.  feelings that i can feel and not apologize for.  and i will never drink again  but i did drink that one night.  that one night in alabaster square where i attacked the venomous snake and never looked back.  i can be honest with you about how much i have and how much i am willing to give you.  i am not a man that needs attention.  rather, i am a man that desires much from life and wants even more than  teaspoon of doubt.  i am sugar i am poison.  i am weeds and i am grass, but do not confuse my satanic grasp for a postcard.  leave me be here.  leave me here in the weeds with pain and confusion.  leave me here at the beach with a navy seal telling me what to do and a drunken officer reminding of me of the powers of persuasion.  i am not a captain.  i am just a driver, just a driver without solace.  without diamonds, without rifles, without guns.  i am just a man.  a flower with a stem.  so lets make more flowers before winter really hits.

amen

the tragedy of life is simple and elegant like the monstrosity that is consumerism.  i can only indulge in certain tastes and influences.  but most of my concern is regarding the infinite wisdom of the centrifuge.  long from now, many years will pass but the term centrifuge and all that it represents will certainly be endowed with heavy significance.

in years of crisis, like the current year, whatever calendar you choose to follow, it is tempting to scapegoat certain individuals or societies that run counter to our own beliefs.  whether the color of skin is apparent or not, we discriminate every day based our own insecurities and deeply held ignorance.  i can only pledge a certain dollar amount each year to the aclu and other wise organisations, but it is crucial for me state here in print that every dollar we spend, every ounce of energy we pour into wrapping and unwrapping gifts that mean nothing, is wasted.  do not lynch me please.  i am a cosmonaut reporting from space.

it is important to realize that under the present circumstances, a giant black hole the size of the united states of america could not prevent the citizens of lands across the globe from buying a new cell phone.  that is, the newest cell phone.  status has enriched our lives to the point that we deify each other as celebrities via our own personal social network.  i have often been horrified by the pithy magazines that line the express line at the local pharmacy, but am even further outraged by the way we treat our friends.

i do not know anyone of any consequence, because frankly, nobody is of any consequence.  i cherish my friends and family because i dont know any better.  it is important to realize that the time we have together is finite.  though the universe is expanding infinitely, we silly mortals die slow and agonizing deaths which we try to counteract but filling our egos will temporary opiates none more potent than power.  this grand illusion drives those of us who cannot bear to grasp the infinite despair of human greed to points of depression.  i urge each and every one of you to hug tightly, kiss deeply, and inhale all the putrid glory of friendship.  do not let power and status control your fate.  please.  you are not a celebrity and you should not be one too.

i enjoy my new status as the number one singer in the world.  i really do.  its just that i have so many colored people to thank.  muddy waters.  ray charles.  howlin wolf.  the list goes on.  i really do apologize to chuck berry for stealing his songs.  i really liked them and well, i had to pay for my wife’s new car.  it was a bmw.  thats from germany.  they make really good cars.  i just wanted to clear the record.  i hope in this new age of opportunity and equality, we can all just get along.  however, i will never apologize for my success.  i am the latest greatest whitest greatest hopest whatever, and it will never be my job to be somebody’s slave.  wow, i didnt mean it like that.  i just worked so hard to get here.  please stop taking my picture.  

i mean is it really that obvious that i have health care?  people look at me with such disdain because they can tell i have benefits.  i have no needles sticking out of me.  i have no diabetes.  i have no lupus but i do get high blood sugar every now and then i find myself sucking on a lollypop every now and then just maintain the sugar level.  every time i walk down the hospital district, people just start giving me this look like, oh mister priveleged with his fucking insurance and no lupus.  im like whatever comrade its your fault we all know how to read.  i mean come on.  this is cuba and there is no reason to look at me like that.  i took a boat here from miami to start a new life and i expect you to tolerate just like my government tolerates you.  i saw the movie, i wanted good health care and here i am taking advantage with no lupus and my kids can read.  so i won that battle.  che vive mutherfucker.  

damn.

no really, it is without consequence that i have a sense of humor.  i understand irony, but i fucking hate jane austen.  no really, i hate that subprime mortgage rate of a bitch, she represents all that is evil about popular art.  i mean come on, she is that insincere to write a novel about manners.  i dont find manners funny, i find them awkward and unnecessary, but for some extremely uptight women, totally fucking important.  and i suppose for a woman with more intelligence than any of her friends, a good laugh at her own expense.  sorry jane, i like man books.

sorry.

i was once a lad, a quiet lad a member of a team, of an operational biohazard called mars.  i was one of the first to be deployed there, and i was outraged to find that there were no bathrooms.  my whole i had never had to take a shit outside, and here i was on the first mission to mars and i had to wipe my ass with my dogtags.  it was not a pleasant experience.  

i want to take this time to mention the severity of the last message we received from the aliens.  they have arrived, they have our leader, and no they do not want to keep him.

i am appalled, shocked and appalled that they have not many any demands.  in fact, they want to release the president immediately, they feel dumber and less knowledgeable for having shared a spaceship with him.  he is drunk.  oh yes you can see the president now.  he is sliding down the ramp there, yes thats him, he has a cross tattooed across his abdomen, we havent seen that before, and yes he is wearing a diaper.  we have seen that before.

lastly i would like to conclude tonight’s meeting with a note from our sponsor, the men who made this possible, the leaders of this techno-revolution, the pharm boys.  lets give it up for them we are so happy they could be here with us tonight, lets get a special round of applause together for kid mc himself, mike mike the original pharm boy.  hey thanks for letting us sponsor this meeting, we are really thrilled to be here, we are just kids from the neighborhood and here we are performing in the basement of a church not too far from where i went to high school, wow, i mean what a treat.  

i dont know what to write anymore, what to say or how to act.  i dont think i have to say anything to communicate intensely, the most vivid experiences i have are silent and awe inspiring.  i cannot say that poetry or music or any other medium attracts my senses less or more than others, but i love to be distracted.  and distracted i am.  i do not know from what or from whom.  but i do know that my life is a mirror that has been placed in front of my face and that i look at everything but the mirror.  i entertain guests frequently at my estate.  i have a loving wife and children.  i am a successful entrepeneur and philanthropist.  the president himself called me on my anniversary and my only son just graduated from medical school.  however, i feel nothing.  i am completely numb to my surroundings.  my daughter walked into the bedroom last night because she was having a nightmare.  i told her that nightmares are a part of life and she had to learn how to sleep through them.  i havent thought of anything else since i said that.  she cried and stomped her feet then she went to her room and fell asleep immediately.  i think she wanted to see me and my wife one more time before she committed to a full night of sleep.  but i tortured her i taught her a lesson that the military would endorse or ayn rand.  nightmares are a part of life and my life is a dream.  i cannot tell the difference between this world and the waking one or the sleeping one or whatever is in between.  maybe my life is a nightmare that i cannot see and every day i walk through the same doors and have the same conversations and love the same people and maybe thats the dream.  maybe my real life is a nightmare of forbidden love and trapped insecurity and rainbows of missed opportunities.  i cant say for sure.  i do know that i sit here at a typewriter furious with the world.  i want that dream where you know you are dreaming, so you make amazing choices that you know you cant make in the real world.  thats my dream.

to dismiss the anger that takes me far in life is to live a life with unquestioning grace.  i have not done so, but it is my honor to begin this second chapter of my life with a bang.  as it were a bang is not something that happens very often, but in this case, the biggest bang is the one that causes the world to begin and for that i am grateful.  i enjoy life and without comets and planets and the cosmos i certainly would not be here a son and a brother.  i should be confident to say that with the coming days of winter i will surely be a hermit.  i have enough rations to last me through til the spring and when spring comes i can assure i will sell all my belongings because i need nothing when the weather is fair just my compass.  

i need more than that i suppose.  more than a compass, but i cant be honest with myself.  i am not daring enough to be honest.  but tonight among all the other great authors of our time, i can assure myself that i am nothing, not a pebble not a wave not a breeze absolutely nothing, but i am relieved to note that we are all nothing together and that is required to relax on these absent holidays chosen by uncle sam.  i cannot be sure of anything anymore, more for personal confusion than anything else.  i have arrived at a state that most do not know for they are too afraid to step this far onto a plank over a water that they cannot see or taste or smell or even fear.  maybe the unknown frightens my comrades out in the docking area of this waystation but i certainly do not fear space anymore than i fear fire.  my fear is a comfort to me.  but to me i am absolute and nothing and absolutely nothing.  i do now know why i choose such negativity at this late point in my life but i do and i still smile enough to laugh at times.  

i suppose it is with great dignity that i pass on to the next life.  the next life is one that i choose with regret.  i wish i was a godly man but i am not.  i choose not to obey religion.  rather i study the stars and obey the moon and the sun and the wind and the oceans when i can.